10 suggestions from a heavily pregnant bird

1. Yes, I am aware that I’m rather large; this did not happen overnight. I have felt Freddie get heavier and seen the expansion of my waistline over the past 9 months. Exclaiming “GOSH! Aren’t you huge!” probably isn’t wise at this stage …

2. Yes, I am pretty sure there is just one in there; scans are quite accurate these days ….

3. No, I’m not sure of the exact date/time he will arrive … my due date is an estimation. Your guess is as good as mine!

4. Yes, I’m quite sure I’d like that small glass of wine; I need neither your permission or disapproval. If it wasn’t such a waste of good wine, it may end up over your head [the same goes for a tin of tuna, mayonnaise, and the odd cup of “real” coffee!!]

5. Please do feel free to pick up whatever I’ve just dropped on the floor – I promise not to bite your head off. To quote the ecard I shared on Facebook the other day, I’m prone to just walk away saying F it.

6. Also feel free to help tie/buckle my shoes, paint my toe nails or shave my legs [anyone, most welcome!]

7. Yes, I’m aware it’s going to hurt.

8. No, I don’t need to hear your horrific accounts of childbirth including the time you nearly bled to death/gave birth in KFC/flooded Sainsburys when your waters broke/punched the midwife in the face etc.

9. Yes, if I’m hungry I may eat a lot, and if I’m not hungry I might not eat much at all. You don’t need to comment on these things at this stage of my pregnancy. Today I happen to be ridiculously hungry, so those 4 weetabix don’t need raised eyebrows …

10. It is probably best not to argue with me …

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