Never has the now been so important

11128608_1751885085037922_2075103722266527772_nIn the quieter moments, stroking his soft chubby cheek whilst he’s sleeping, or planting a kiss on on his forehead; I wonder what this life will hold for my little boy. I think of the twists and turns in my own which have led me to this beautiful place; and I imagine the journey he will have. In the noisy moments when he’s grizzly or playing with his jingly lion; I catch myself hoping he’ll be okay … that when he’s an old man, he looks back on a happy life; that I’ll have equipped him with the necessary skills and sense of humour for survival. Most importantly; wrapped him in a love which will never die.. The profundity of the cyclical nature hits me; sometimes I look at my own parents, irrationally surprised that they are getting older – not stuck as a perpetual 50 something. Nothing stays the same … and as I try to treasure every moment with my ever growing baby boy, I am filled with a sense of urgency, an appreciation of Tempus Fugit. Never has the now been so important. This is what I was born to do, or so it feels …

When Freddie and I arrived on the post natal ward thirteen weeks ago, he began to stir a little, and as I was being prodded by a midwife, I couldn’t get to him. I turned to my cousin and said “I don’t want him to cry“. She laughed and reminded me that he was a baby, and that by nature he would cry. I still don’t let my baby boy cry. I pick him up, I cradle him, and if I can’t get to him immediately I explain to him why mummy wasn’t there. It is amazing what you can do one handed. Many people have used the line “rod for own back” – yet for me, there really is such a thing as the fourth trimester. After 9months snuggled in the recesses of my womb, the world must seem so bright and noisy, so huge and alarming; so cold. Babies need the warmth and security of their mothers embrace, the sound of their heartbeat, the knowledge that momma will be there when you cry. This is essentially why I co sleep with Freddie; because I think it’s the natural way. I remember when I worked in Kolkata and would walk past families on the pavement and in the slums, sleeping curled up together. I realise this was out of necessity – yet their family bonds were far greater than most are here. It feels right to me, sharing my bed with my baby; it is certainly easier to feed him at 2am … and he has never had to cry for his milk.

Never did I realise the depths of love and worry that a mother carries around with her.

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